Love Sucks
by SweetTalkedToSuicide
Summary: ever tried? ever failed? never mind. try again. fail better! when your in love, you need friends, family and a whole lot of chocolate ice cream. heart break isn't so far away. need some comforting? join the club.


**Chapter 1**

Admitting It.

This is so stupid. I can give flawless love advice to anyone but when it comes to me, I have nothing. I never realized how hard it was to act out the advice I gave people. Love stinks. I'm constantly tired these days, know why?

Its because she is constantly occupying every second of every minute of every hour of every day of my life! Where as she, she could not care less what I do. She already has 5749562459276432034273424 other people that are madly in love with her, why would she care about me? How am I special in anyway? Why would she pick me out of all the other people chasing after her?

Am I hot? No. smart? not really. Athletic? In my dreams. How about charming? Complex? Popular? Loved? Wanted? Hard to get? Sweet? Sassy? Wild? Anything? No. no I'm not. I have no sense of balance, co-ordination or direction. I'm clumsy, stupid, not pretty in the least, I cant get a guy, I cant flirt without making an idiot out of myself, I cant even be me properly. Where as she is beautiful, popular, smart, well known, a flirt, hard to get, complex and wanted by so many girls so much greater than me.

All these things are running through my head as two of my closest friends have the same shocked/horrified expression on their faces as I do. I sit there completely awestruck as I contimplate what I have just said out loud.

**"I love Mel".**

Oh god, this was so bad. I hadn't really planned on telling anybody, ever. But it just…came out. I knew I looked like a basket case, sitting there with my mouth hanging open and a horrified expression on my face. But hey, these were my best friends, they were used to my usual reactions to life situations. I'm like some old server on a crappy computer. Always run out of memory in the most important of times, freeze up if given more than two tasks to do at the same time, crash every time I need to take in a big file in my life, need to constantly be repaired, get damaged really easily, and of course i don't look nearly as good as that new apple laptop that just came to town and has got all the other computers talking. Nope, I'm just good old windows XP.

No ,wait what was I talking about before I got side tracked? Oh that's right, my unhealthy obsession with another girl. And not just any other girl, no, she happens to be a good friend of mine. That makes the situation even better doesn't it?

"oh my gosh!" squeeled Lina. Lina was the overly nosey, overly excited about other peoples lives, overly aware of every aspect of the lives of those around her type of person. She was like one of my best friends. She knew absolutely everyone in the school and was greeted by at least 40 people on her way to and from each class. I'm sure she could get mel. She could get Mel when ever she god damn wanted.

"I cant believe you like Mel! I knew it! I knew there was something going on!" she squaked overly cheery, I don't know whether it was a ' I'm so happy my good friend has come out to me' sort of squawk or a 'holy shit I cant wait to tell everyone' sort of squawk. Then again, Lina may have been a lot of things to me in the past but she had never betrayed the fact that she wouldn't tell anyone my secrets. But I wouldn't really know if she has or not, she probably has. But what ever, right now I was more interested in what my best friend was thinking. I bet she thought I was a freak. I felt my heart get a little heavier than it already was. Its been doing that a lot lately. I don't know if it's the fact that my chest has been cut open and anything as little as a dust particle can touch my heart easily or the mass amount of junk food Iv'e been eating to fill the "hole inside me". Either way I should probably go see my doctor soon. A.k.a my dad, in all his 40-year-old- mid-life-crisis-balding-homo-phobic glory. I cant really blame my dad (or my mum) for being homo phobic. They grew up in the middle east, instead of going to the cinemas, they would watch gay people being hung or decapitated. Cant say I really blame them for assuming that if I came out, they would find it their duty to hang me.

I remember always reading or hearing that "a mothers love is unconditional". that's such bullshit. If I didn't have a good reputation with the adults of the Persian community, my mother wouldn't even fucking feed me. I actually even had the balls to ask her one day. The conversation went a little something like this :

"Hey mum, what would you do if I was bisexual?"

"…"

"Hypothetically speaking of course…"

"Don't ever say something like that again, Newsha. I want you to grow up and be happy and normal."

"But, you would accept me right?"

"No."

"Um…what?"

"I would kick you the hell out of my house"

"But…your supposed to love me no matter what"

"No, it doesn't work that way Newsha, you gotta earn it."

"What the hell?"

"Newsha, I just want you to grow up and get married to a nice GUY and have kids and settle down…so that all our friends don't say things about me behind my back"

"What was that?"

"I said so that you can live a long full life"

"Oh…ok."

"Yes…."

"………….Im bisexual"

"No your not."

And then she walked away and pretended she was busy. So I don't think I'll be coming out to my parents any time soon. Wow, bet you didn't notice that through out that entire page, I was thinking of nothing but Mel. God, I'm such a basket case. But I just love her too much. that's the problem. Maybe I should take all the extra love I have for Mel and give it to all the terrorist, and the racist, and the sexist, and my parents.

And another thing. I cry too damn much. I cry so much recently. Like I said before, Iv'e been torn right open in my weakest spot for the world to see. Anything ranging from as big as a death to as little as, oh I dunno, that fucking light burning out in the hallway when i needed it the most would send me into a crying fit. Nobody knows this of course, but every time I listen to a slow song, I break down. Romantic movie? Break down. Sad book? Break down. I'm so sick and tired of crying, love is supposed to make people feel good. Why do I feel like I'm being screwed over by the universe? Its almost as if theres a black cloud hanging over my head.

But I think that's the point of love, you want to be with the person that you cant get out of your head, not because you want to see them or miss their touch, but because the planet will go out of its way to give you a hard time if you don't. when I hug Mel, I feel like fucking off the planet and walking away from all my troubles, and letting out anything I keep inside me, and climbing mount everest, and bitch slapping that slut Donna. So that was how I drew the conclusion, that when your with the person you love, the universe cuts you a bit of slack, and life seems to be just that bit better.

I once thought about what would happen if she ever moved schools or something, I immediately broke down crying and I basically couldn't breathe. And then when I realized that she'll graduate a year before me, I nearly fucking fainted. How am I supposed to live day-to-day life if even the thought of the idea of losing mel tares me up so god damn much?

And know whats funny? She probably thinks im just some kid with a crush on her, but im not. Its not a crush, if it was, I wouldn't cry myself to god damn sleep every night, I wouldn't get up in the mornig looking forward to seeing her, I wouldn't be writing this right now. I love her. She just doesn't know that. And you know, I can be satisfied with just being there, like not letting her know that I love her or like her or whatever. Just being there in her life in some small way made me infinitely happy.

i know, hallmark moment. its so cheesy but thats basically my thought range lately. but all i can say is that love is the single most heartbreaking emotion on the planet. i dont regret it though, im not upset that i fell in love. i just wish that i didnt have to feel emotions 10 times more strongly than everyone else, its tiring. its frustrating. i just want to crawl into a dark dark cave and die.

**I love her, but she wont love me back. What sucks is that i could never let her go, i could never heal completely if she left my life, and i would die for her any day. Its stupid, i know, its only going to hurt more this way.**


End file.
